You: "I hate leaving you"

then why do you always do?

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every second I feel Im making the wrong choices and that were playing a game where everyone gets hurt..him me you her....


I don't know how much more I can take

fell asleep in your arms for an hour last night

just an hour

and it doesnt even matter how short it was

because

i loved it

because i love you forever ..i dunno what else to do..i've just given up...

its just the details that get me

you spend so much time interested

and delving...delving delving..delving..into what you think you know as: getting to know someone

and really people can turn out to not be who you thought they were at all

in a matter of very short time


but its just that i know all these facts of you

and the left over feelings attached

like lint in my back pocket

unecessarily collecting

like a handful of special colorful marbles w/ no place or puppose

your favorite way to sleep is with your hands underneath your head...I can't believe I shared a bed with you twice

your scared of spiders

you like comedy

you have these deep rooted family fears like me

you gamble maybe more than you should

not to mention how well i know your body

i know your tattoos and all they mean

and i know the scars too

because I asked you to explain to me

trying to see through so many walls to get to you

and hidden as you stayed

i know all these things in the back of my mind everyday

the changes your embarking on

and the things your worried about

the things that make you smile

and how you rather stay in and cuddle then go out

i know the sound of how your breath catches when your past words

and the way you shake when your angry and when things hurt

i've heard you apoligize

felt the wrath of your fight

and the warm of overflowing desire

i know the things you do to be caring and the things to be cute

the corney jokes you make

the way you wanted to protect me when thing werent okay....

and i am slowly working on letting each marble falll and roll away

because thats what you did to me

you just let me slip out of your grasp
 

without one look back

you let go of my hand

and you pushed pass

and i always said it wouldn't last

there was a qutoa we were dangerously going past

of my happiness

i wasnt allowed to be that happy

and you said that i was silly

why not have it all?

but i was right

you let me fall

so like stiches and nics

in the tiny scars you left

are bits of you

of who you are

of who I thought I was begining to know

and I walk around and pick at them

and marvel at how I collected them

in just a couple months

guess thats what happens with two intense people try to love

but for all your purple rage

i have radiante rose colored care

and for all your cold blues

I have crimson heat and happiness

and for all your yellow cowardice

I have silver stripes of courage

they glow across my heart

...thanks for reminding me they were there

because after you

there was me

still me

always so strong

because I always have to be...

and everytime i look at the fractions of you mixed in with me

I am reminded that you were willing to just let me leave

and maybe

maybe you aren't worth knowing all that easily

maybe I was straining to see walls

covering

hurt and fear

masked by mean and ugly

....like building forts
....like holding hands...
....like laughing at things only you and I find funny...

like that time in the hospital where I thought I was gonna die and you held my hand till I couldn't see anymore

and no one knows

no one really really knows

what 3 and half years has done

what the death of half our hearts together left us with

but you have done what you have done

and along with all the promises you made and still try to make

are all the ones you never kept

all the lies you let bleed from your lips

and all the nights i cried myselft to sleep

at the end of the day

i can wish all i want to

but it doesnt change a thing



you still want me when you want me say you love me

kiss and touch me

behind her back

and i am worse for that

and i wish i could hate myself

wish i had been able to stop this years before

at the end of the day

im still not enough

at the end of the day



your still with her

i dont get back sharing literature with you

sharing hours of secrets with you

no longer being weird together

and i certainly dont get her back

you made her untouchable to me

she was my god friend

taken from me

and now i sing  alone

now that part of my heart and soul are gone

at the end of the day

its just 2 amazing friendships trading in for  a romance and my broken heart and

and the end of the day
 

you say on the phone to me you love me

why then oh why would you hurt me?

two lives interwined ..ripped apart

whats left but time?

at the end of the day

nothing has changed

and the decisions

i make are between me and god

me just makin my way

trying to forget about love

and most of all forget all this pain

sometimes i want to call you

late night like this

just to wake you

after all you always call me

just to ask the questions

i know you wont answer

sometimes i want to

but i don't

i don't

i stay up ....and let you sleep...hah

what she doesnt know

wont hurt her

oh the things we tell ourselves

Yet I hurt and I always know

everything

its more like a simple numbing though

a fragrance in the backround of my life as if to make it so

the things we do

can't be undone

as if we do it to document the years

our time

of this fucked up love line

spool of my life

with drunken washed out eyes

you look at me and say

lets cheers to how we can never leave

we just can't stay away


and I say "Ha I'll drink to that..thats a reason to drink for sure"

and you get mad

I blink at you

what would you have me do?

what would you have me say?

love of mine

love of MINE

your crying

you are burying your head in my chest

things are hard

and you try to stay away

you say you wanted to answer my calls sooo bad

i know its hard....don't you think I KNOW that ITS Hard...

you beg to not leave...couple more hours with me please

you say life is perfect..you are perfect with arms wraped around me

but i think.im just your addiction...and you are my disease

this isnt hard

i have been in love with you my whole life

you are the one who says goodbye

if you asked me today to get in the car and drive away

i probably would

never liked the what ifs with you

they have to be explored they really do

you say you can't go through with it

if your still doing this   (with me)

does it make it easier for you to grasp

to state the obvious outward to the both of us

like that?

i know i know i know

and when your saying

i looooooovvvvvvee you       babbby

i miss you..i miss you soo much

what am i supposed to do?

i cannot turn away from you

so i stay like your safe harbor

holding you out through it

through another torent storm...

until you leave after the passing

with thankful eyes and apolegetic lips

and i shrug

i give what i give

for as long as you need

right or wrong

and you say "my happiness is the most important to you" slurring

i  think we both know thats really the case with me for you

so i do what i do

despite judgement

despite moral

despite doubts

because its all i have ever known

i am your everlast wellspring uprising steadily

no matter how I get down

I am around

I will be around

because thats what love is

to give

so I give

until I have nothing left

i saw u today

after your phone call last night

and my freak out this morning
 

i go to give you a hug and like always it gets more intense by the second

we pull each other closer and closer and

you begin to rub my back

and its just natural

i know it is

my pull is gravational to you



sometimes just sucks knowing that there is someone else you are already sure you could love your whole life

and knowing that you are certain

and that you wont have them

kjfjdsgfjk i shouldnt even talk about this stuff on here anymore..


 

looking at a picture of you

i close my eyes for a moment or two

and I am taken back to

sitting in the door frame with you

on the floor near the stairs

breath within my planets revolutions

taking your hands in mine

closing my eyes and just feeling them

all over

then touching your face

tracing this holy place between us

i remember opening my eyes

and you quietly widely

gazing at mine

asking what was that for

with a bit of a laugh to it

a laugh full of anticipation and fear behind it

a laugh to mask

and i said

i wanted to memorize you

so i would know you

without having to see



and that was me

that was me with you


i could just be

like

that

with

you


and

you

let

me


                                                          you were you and I was me

and as simple or silly or miniscule as that sounds                                          you will not begin to believe how rare it is found


to really be yourself amongst any two people


and so I guess thats why i loved you

thats why i would never trade our tides of back and forth sweeping waves

for the 2 years they were made

a.j.r

hmm... so much for writing in this frequently...pff...anyway its early ..actually its now 10am..which isnt that early..but yeah..and im hungry and I should go have some breakfeast...


callouses prove you

bumps on skin

indentations

bind me

to my craft

if you can call it that

its just arrangements

and rearangements

and adjustments

of letters in contexts

i should have known

it would be easy with

you

passionate and restless

and meant

fitting together

in ways

of breathlessness

as if my inconstant breaths

would bestow puffs of magic

and an array of colors into our surroundings

and atmosphere

i should have known your traces

could cause shivers

and a want I didnt even know could be so strong

i should have known because

talking to you was like breathing in the begining

like a life line in my hectic chaoctic mess

and completely sent to me

out of nowhere

it was like the grapevine for future pungent sweets to be grown

like the plot twist in my story

as if to say "Katie you think your heart's been through it now...

just wait...you haven't seen anything yet"

and I should have known that I would never wanna go home

rather puzzle over this shadow of a wall you've built

contemplating which blocks I must readjust in over to find you underneath

because I am determined

that you shall become my new sermon to passion

and smiles and laughs

and just someone there to say hey to

when everything looks bad

and im not sure if its right

but im sure that it is   what is   ethier way

i know you've been hurt

i feel your fractures as if in neon colors underneath your skin

like light bright visionary

and you know that mine only begin at the surface

glowing in paths florsecuent in the dark all over my body

and nethier of us asks

because we don't have to

and the thing of it is

i've realized I can't let you walk away

and

when you say

i've missed you

i believe you in the way

the all the unsaid things

dont need to be said anymore

and the thing of it is

im not sure where im going

and im sure that behind me is a beautiful reckless world of destroyed lives and love and dreams

but i like fitting into the crook of your arm and shoulder...feeling at ease underneath

and the thing of it is

im sure that cupping curves

and grippin muscles

and oceans upon oceans of heat

wont change anything

but it sure creates a beautiful landscape

for right now

and for once that is enough





hmm...who know...breakfeast baby!