cokeacolachic

you and I, I and you

Mon, 14 Dec 2009 10:05:39 GMT

Baby,

come home soon please

all the years

been weighin heavy on me

I know you prolly wont ever leave

her

but baby come home tonight

my heart aches

my body aches

and your the only one who can make this right

Sat, 28 Nov 2009 02:25:13 GMT

You: "I hate leaving you"

then why do you always do?

</3

every second I feel Im making the wrong choices and that were playing a game where everyone gets hurt..him me you her....

I don't know how much more I can take

hmm

Wed, 14 Oct 2009 04:31:22 GMT

I've finally been feeling in the mood to write more recently. I always have thoughts and I don't tend to them anymore. It's dumb. I am lazy and I get pissed at myself for that. Writing it theraputic and like breathing for me...no wonder I feel suffocated and out of element when I don't do it! Maybe my urge to actually put pen to paper is a sign of gaining some new clarity...hmm I hope so. I have so much hw to do from missing soooo much school..but Im going to try and write some tonight too!

I know im probably being dumb but

Mon, 21 Sep 2009 04:32:41 GMT

been crushin on this kidd for like ever...not really...but at least a sum of months now..even when he doesn't deserve it (bigshockthere)....and things are kind of all over the place as per usal..not sure to stay or to go? everytime i think to go...he somehow maybe seems to sense it? and gives me some tiny subtle reasons to stick around...but who knows...? this is prolly good for me..I'm probably just impatient...im not even sure if he is right for me...or if we aren't just better off as friends..but somethin keeps me comin back...so there's something...there...bleh

sdfklhsdkfhkasdghdlgkh I should be writing on more interesting intelligent things on here..rather then venting about the guys floatin around but usually im too tired by the time i get to this...

goodnight

i got to

Sat, 15 Aug 2009 07:28:46 GMT

fell asleep in your arms for an hour last night

just an hour

and it doesnt even matter how short it was

because

i loved it

because i love you forever ..i dunno what else to do..i've just given up...

there is no one I cherish they way I cherish you

however long i go without sein you

in these moments

its worth it..

everytime

all the years

...........ha

Thu, 13 Aug 2009 06:10:00 GMT

oh one more thing...

remember your grasping me tightly

the day of the accident

remember your vounrability mixed with helplessness

remember you saying

"I just don't know what I would do if something ever happened to you....

.....espescially because of me"

guess that wasn't true.

....ha

Thu, 13 Aug 2009 06:08:05 GMT

i wondered how it would be...

to see you...

thought about it a dozen times..

contemplated..

like some cruel experiment...

the thing is...and i had a million things i wanted to say to you

and yet none at all

i wanted to tell you...that you truly were a hurtful person and that i hope one day you can stop that so no one else

cries like me

i wanted to ask you how you were...how is everything..because somehow i know...your not okay...

just get that feeling..think i think i know you more than you think i do..

i can sense that stuff with you

..

i wanted to hit you and hurt you too

but mostly...

mostly...

i just wanted to walk up to you

and not say much at alll

look you in the eyes to see if maybe then I can understand why you did this

to me

but you know what?

to us..

because even though you'd never admit it...

i know you can feel it too..

mostly

i just wanted to look at you and say

"i thought you were my friend"

because I really thought you were

my mistake...

details

Mon, 10 Aug 2009 06:08:17 GMT

its just the details that get me

you spend so much time interested

and delving...delving delving..delving..into what you think you know as: getting to know someone

and really people can turn out to not be who you thought they were at all

in a matter of very short time

but its just that i know all these facts of you

and the left over feelings attached

like lint in my back pocket

unecessarily collecting

like a handful of special colorful marbles w/ no place or puppose

your favorite way to sleep is with your hands underneath your head...I can't believe I shared a bed with you twice

your scared of spiders

you like comedy

you have these deep rooted family fears like me

you gamble maybe more than you should

not to mention how well i know your body

i know your tattoos and all they mean

and i know the scars too

because I asked you to explain to me

trying to see through so many walls to get to you

and hidden as you stayed

i know all these things in the back of my mind everyday

the changes your embarking on

and the things your worried about

the things that make you smile

and how you rather stay in and cuddle then go out

i know the sound of how your breath catches when your past words

and the way you shake when your angry and when things hurt

i've heard you apoligize

felt the wrath of your fight

and the warm of overflowing desire

i know the things you do to be caring and the things to be cute

the corney jokes you make

the way you wanted to protect me when thing werent okay....

and i am slowly working on letting each marble falll and roll away

because thats what you did to me

you just let me slip out of your grasp

without one look back

you let go of my hand

and you pushed pass

and i always said it wouldn't last

there was a qutoa we were dangerously going past

of my happiness

i wasnt allowed to be that happy

and you said that i was silly

why not have it all?

but i was right

you let me fall

so like stiches and nics

in the tiny scars you left

are bits of you

of who you are

of who I thought I was begining to know

and I walk around and pick at them

and marvel at how I collected them

in just a couple months

guess thats what happens with two intense people try to love

but for all your purple rage

i have radiante rose colored care

and for all your cold blues

I have crimson heat and happiness

and for all your yellow cowardice

I have silver stripes of courage

they glow across my heart

...thanks for reminding me they were there

because after you

there was me

still me

always so strong

because I always have to be...

and everytime i look at the fractions of you mixed in with me

I am reminded that you were willing to just let me leave

and maybe

maybe you aren't worth knowing all that easily

maybe I was straining to see walls

covering

hurt and fear

masked by mean and ugly

Sat, 01 Aug 2009 05:46:21 GMT

"Im fairly used to putting you away in my pocket..and zipping it shut...underneath the collect of one of those painful things you never get used to but just sort of live with...(and in my case without)..but you began to push your way out ..starting with your i love you's back in january..and now the zipper is jammed and as hard as I try ..I can't get it closed..and did I really call you last night crying about how much I wanted to see you? and did you really tell me..this is soo stupid..because we can't be apart...we both want to see each other"...

i dont even know anymore ) : it just makes me sad..i've never been one to like holding back....and i don't even believe in that when its the love of your life...so wtf are doing then? what are you doing!!!!

venting

Thu, 23 Jul 2009 06:18:03 GMT

(At the end of the day...i wanted you to say this time you were sticking around permantely..that would never happen though..I know you)...(at the end of the day i wanted you to say that you were sorry we lost our friendship and that it would always hurt me to know you kiss her)..(.at the end of the day I wanted you to say you could change time..and all of the pain you caused me could be undone and we could just be left with all the moments where you were my closest ali in all the world....

....like building forts
....like holding hands...
....like laughing at things only you and I find funny...

like that time in the hospital where I thought I was gonna die and you held my hand till I couldn't see anymore

and no one knows

no one really really knows

what 3 and half years has done

what the death of half our hearts together left us with

but you have done what you have done

and along with all the promises you made and still try to make

are all the ones you never kept

all the lies you let bleed from your lips

and all the nights i cried myselft to sleep

at the end of the day

i can wish all i want to

but it doesnt change a thing

you still want me when you want me say you love me

kiss and touch me

behind her back

and i am worse for that

and i wish i could hate myself

wish i had been able to stop this years before

at the end of the day

im still not enough

at the end of the day

your still with her

i dont get back sharing literature with you

sharing hours of secrets with you

no longer being weird together

and i certainly dont get her back

you made her untouchable to me

she was my god friend

taken from me

and now i sing alone

now that part of my heart and soul are gone

at the end of the day

its just 2 amazing friendships trading in for a romance and my broken heart and

and the end of the day

you say on the phone to me you love me

why then oh why would you hurt me?

two lives interwined ..ripped apart

whats left but time?

at the end of the day

nothing has changed

and the decisions

i make are between me and god

me just makin my way

trying to forget about love

and most of all forget all this pain

Mon, 20 Jul 2009 06:40:41 GMT

sometimes i want to call you

late night like this

just to wake you

after all you always call me

just to ask the questions

i know you wont answer

sometimes i want to

but i don't

i don't

i stay up ....and let you sleep...hah

9 years of woven tapastry

Wed, 15 Jul 2009 19:30:18 GMT

what she doesnt know

wont hurt her

oh the things we tell ourselves

Yet I hurt and I always know

everything

its more like a simple numbing though

a fragrance in the backround of my life as if to make it so

the things we do

can't be undone

as if we do it to document the years

our time

of this fucked up love line

spool of my life

with drunken washed out eyes

you look at me and say

lets cheers to how we can never leave

we just can't stay away

and I say "Ha I'll drink to that..thats a reason to drink for sure"

and you get mad

I blink at you

what would you have me do?

what would you have me say?

love of mine

love of MINE

your crying

you are burying your head in my chest

things are hard

and you try to stay away

you say you wanted to answer my calls sooo bad

i know its hard....don't you think I KNOW that ITS Hard...

you beg to not leave...couple more hours with me please

you say life is perfect..you are perfect with arms wraped around me

but i think.im just your addiction...and you are my disease

this isnt hard

i have been in love with you my whole life

you are the one who says goodbye

if you asked me today to get in the car and drive away

i probably would

never liked the what ifs with you

they have to be explored they really do

you say you can't go through with it

if your still doing this (with me)

does it make it easier for you to grasp

to state the obvious outward to the both of us

like that?

i know i know i know

and when your saying

i looooooovvvvvvee you babbby

i miss you..i miss you soo much

what am i supposed to do?

i cannot turn away from you

so i stay like your safe harbor

holding you out through it

through another torent storm...

until you leave after the passing

with thankful eyes and apolegetic lips

and i shrug

i give what i give

for as long as you need

right or wrong

and you say "my happiness is the most important to you" slurring

i think we both know thats really the case with me for you

so i do what i do

despite judgement

despite moral

despite doubts

because its all i have ever known

i am your everlast wellspring uprising steadily

no matter how I get down

I am around

I will be around

because thats what love is

to give

so I give

until I have nothing left

Sun, 12 Jul 2009 03:39:06 GMT

i saw u today

after your phone call last night

and my freak out this morning

i go to give you a hug and like always it gets more intense by the second

we pull each other closer and closer and

you begin to rub my back

and its just natural

i know it is

my pull is gravational to you

sometimes just sucks knowing that there is someone else you are already sure you could love your whole life

and knowing that you are certain

and that you wont have them

kjfjdsgfjk i shouldnt even talk about this stuff on here anymore..

...........

Sat, 11 Jul 2009 22:15:21 GMT

In these moments of weakness...I believe everything I want

how could you know

Sat, 11 Jul 2009 12:37:32 GMT

YOU of all people

call me now..just as I am about to...

and your made because its the middle of the night and for once im not home..for once im w/ someone else..someone you don't even know

and just hearing your voice

i wanted to leave and come through the phone

9 years dont call me to tell me you have something to tell me

but nevermind

9 years

9 years

i watched the movie with deanna the other day

and your always the one in my mind

and of course you call the next night

because thats what we do

feel each other through time and space

9 years

i dont think i can take the games right now

i love you

imiss you

i would tell you to come to me

tell you just come to me

because everything else feels wrong

but i have a feeling you've already been on your way

your just hesitating

and maybe its just my worn out emotional state

but come to me now

there is no way possible i can turn away

time lapse

Wed, 08 Jul 2009 06:47:30 GMT

looking at a picture of you

i close my eyes for a moment or two

and I am taken back to

sitting in the door frame with you

on the floor near the stairs

breath within my planets revolutions

taking your hands in mine

closing my eyes and just feeling them

all over

then touching your face

tracing this holy place between us

i remember opening my eyes

and you quietly widely

gazing at mine

asking what was that for

with a bit of a laugh to it

a laugh full of anticipation and fear behind it

a laugh to mask

and i said

i wanted to memorize you

so i would know you

without having to see

and that was me

that was me with you

i could just be

like

that

with

you

and

you

let

me

you were you and I was me

and as simple or silly or miniscule as that sounds you will not begin to believe how rare it is found

to really be yourself amongst any two people

and so I guess thats why i loved you

thats why i would never trade our tides of back and forth sweeping waves

for the 2 years they were made

a.j.r

.....

Mon, 06 Jul 2009 21:30:29 GMT

if you are just going to cause me pain

then im going to start wishing you never came around in the first place

i have canyons full of pain

i don't need anymore

all I wanted some peace

some freedom

some ease

i thought you were bright enough

strong enough to take that adventure with me

but then again

i always "think" dont I

thanks for letting me down

i really really need that from you

right now

hah

For the rest of my life

Wed, 01 Jul 2009 04:16:18 GMT

I miss you tonight

not sure why

just used to you I suppose

p.d.k

On the way to grey
I could hardly wait
To see you again
To feel your hands

Covering me
Till the storm is done
What seemed to be the end
Was not the end at all

When I hear the rain
Should I be afraid?
For my, for my
For my... life

Why do you look at me that way?
I told you that I was too busy to see you
I would never keep a secret from you
From you
From you

Is it over?
I am fine
Thank you dearly
For your time

I'll be leaving
Don't you cry
I'll be back soon
At least I'll try

Can't you see
There is no time to think
Selfishly

Yesterday's gone
Tomorrow's here
Can't turn back now
I won't quit

I still love you
I swear,
I always will

I always will
I always will

soo last night was just a tad ridiculous

Thu, 25 Jun 2009 15:21:12 GMT

i dunno whats my deal lately w/ this

i think me and pris r just both so stressed from working all the time

that and relationships

and un answered questions

and searching for something

i mean its fun sometimes but its not really me...

woo wee what a night tho ( :

lots on my mind

Wed, 24 Jun 2009 01:19:41 GMT

Its crazy how fast time moves isnt it? I mean I can't believe its going to be the end of june soon...craziness! Sometimes I just feel like things are swirling all along by me...blowing past me..and its like im watching it from a far...and then something will smack me back into reality to be like c'mon katie this is life here..you have to do this and this and this and make sure you don't forget about this coming up...i dunno part of is working everyday and being tired all the time..that always eats me and my life and makes time seem ever fleeting..things have been so different for me lately..and I hate to say it ..but I know a big part of it..is not having steve that much in my life anymore...i always knew that the way we loved each other was soo consuming and intense..and i know that..that is rare...and that isnt surprising for me to be involved in considering how passionate and intense of a person i can be...but you really never fully see the complete extent to which something takes over you...till once you are apart from it...and its now that I realize how much time I spent trying to improve his life and make things better for him..and love him enough...and fix things that were just unable to be fixed...so much that i truly neglected myself...and it did start to get better once I joined my sorority...because I did it for me..and no one else...not him...not fam...not even nicole..although im so glad we have it together....but once I did that away from him...i think that was the begining of this turning point for me...thats the problem w/ being in such long term intense relationships at this age...its like trying to do the whole "our life and we thing" while your still trying to do the whole you thing...and all the plans and dreams and things you think are always gonna be there...maybe shouldnt be there..and shouldnt have gotten started in the first place...and you know what? maybe thats not true...but for a relationship like ours was..it is true..because..it was SOOOO EXTREMELY emotionally draining..it just felt like it took so much out of me all the time..that ontop of stress...and him not being able to relate to my lifestyle and then that some of the crazy traumatic things that we went through..its really a wonder that im still standing...but at the same time..im glad it was with him...because no one knows me like him..knows how to deal w/ me the way he does and can be soo kind in such a are way he can...so i dont regret it...but i do realize that it has taken a lot of time away from me...time I can't get back...meaning I have to push even harder now...i feel like soo much of my 1st 2 years at school were a waste..which i know is not true..i had my limits pushed...i learned a lot and...last semester..i really did work my ass off...but the thing is I know myself..and I know I could have done soo much better...i just need to get my ass in gear and have more self discipline...and try hard even at the teachers I find infantile and the subjects i find bland...i need to just suck it up...i let all my personal stuff w/ steve get in the way soo much and i know it wasnt on purpose its just the way I am made....but i wont have that anymore..at least not for the most part...and i am soo glad....it just freaks me out to think of all i have to do...i have to finish my minor...thank god im close...i have to work not only on my lit degree but start gettin everything in place for social work..and I truly gotta stick to it..if I decide to really go through w/ this...and the thing is..i love both these subjects and i know they are me and all that stuff...but their is still always the hesitations...the doubts...that your putting so much into these subjects..and what if it doesnt go as planned? what if you fail later or hate it? and sometimes i worry b/c i know social work will be draining..but im not trying to be delusional about it..i know this...but its like really katie..do I wanna keep going on trying to make a real difference in others lives? i know it sounds selfish..but sometimes i think it may just be easier for me at least to do communications or something like that..im good w/ people...apparently im an excellent public speaker...according to everyone else... and sometimes i wonder if i should just choose another path..one that would be less stressful...but the thing is...with social work...its so in my nature..i mean to a tee..and i just have those moments..you know those moments? where its just like you feel like this is what your meant to do? so much to the point that you have to do it? its the same thing w/ loving someone...or writting..its like breathing..its undeniable...its like trying to ignore a piece of who you are...thats how it is w/ social work..and lit...lit in a different way...but stil yes..so im prolly just worrying...i mean doing what your meant to do..should be a given..right? i think im gonna try and pray about it...everytime though..i feel like god wants me to do this...thats another thing thats been differently lately....ever since i got this job..i have had soo many things happen to me..and signs..that I know are from god..and i know god put me in this situation for a reason...i mean as weird as it is...that i work their and spencers...i know people judge you know matter what...people have always judged me for being a christian..just as people have judged me for being such an open person....and being open minded and radical somewhat sort of...so whatever to that...that isnt a big surprise..somehow when I was doing interviews...i kept thinking i may get this job...i kept having a feeling i would...and i always told myself in the back of my mind that if i did..i knew it was a god thing and that i should go with it...with an open heart and mind...and that is what has happened...i think god put me there for a reason...i think he knew that after my falling out w/ steve and rachel my 2 closest strongest c...hristian friends...and then stuff w/ steve.. and then the onslaught of deaths and then..the death...that may as well have been the death of my very own heart happened...and god knows alll of these have been here to shake me and destroy me and make me wavier in my faith...but having this...has helped so much...even though it is...work..there are connections with it.,..to my future..job..which is just to crazy..everyday i take donations towards that cause i believe in..womens shelters...and then so many other things i cant even begin to explain..and just being surrouned by people who believe...who just do..and you see it in their lives and speech..and way...i can't tell you how refreshing it is to be around that...and at least around people who are open to it... i feel like so many people in my life ...esp friends have no faith or little faith in anything and its so hard not being able to really share that w/ anyone...except deanna really...and the way we see so little of each other..that in itself is a challenge..maybe kaylie and pris...a little..but we dont talk about it much...i feel god growing in my heart again...giving me blessings..allowing me to see the beauty around me...and i can't turn away and prettend i dont believe..because i have been on both sides and i know the difference and deep down in my heart i know the reasons and things that make me a believer..the things i have experienced..and feelings i have had...are no way comparable to those that come w/ earthly things...i just know personally i can't deny it...and the thing is..i know i need to work on somethings to represent myself better as a christian..i know i need to..i tend to live by the philosophy ...love a lot...do your best to treat others well...and be a good person..and give...and while at the heart of it..i do believe those things...there are some things i know are unecessary for me to do..that displease god...and i know i should really have more respect for something that i believe and love...sighs....and then their is this whole guy thing...this kid..i dunno what to think...i just have this feeling about him...and i could be wrong..i really could be...i have been blinded by love before...its so easy to do..i am the best example of it...both with pat and steve...but this kid...just talking to him and knowing him is so different then anything i have been involved with before...we are so different truly we are...its even laughable at times..how much so...but he is sooo motivated and self starting..and i am like that to a degree and i used to be even more soo..and for the first time its like starting to be invested in someone who i look at and who makes me want to be a better person everyday of my life just because of how much i admrie and respect him...i respect him so much...and he works his ass off and he gives me my own space and he is doing what he needs to do and tellin me to do what i need to do...but really does it..and really means it...and im just so not used to that...and he even deals w/ my freak outs pretty well considering everything is so new...he deals w/ all my issues and scars...and doesnt say too much just listens and does little things to show me he cares..and its so much better that way...b/c its like he understands that i need to heal them myself...but still sees me for who i am and accepts it...and everyday i keep feeling more and more blessed just to be in this place w/ him and not under pressure about it...and while it does bug me that he keeps his gaurd up soo much i can understand it and respect it..and i just really pray it doesnt go away...thats the biggest thing that scares me...because its so nice and fun and healthy for me...that im like do i really get to enjoy something like this for a change? it cant be real...and i dont think he understands that...what that is like for me...if he knew my full past then maybe..maybe he would have somewhat of some clue...but at this point he doesnt realize...and since we have known each other since before i can't help if it was supposed to come back around this way? i dunno its crazy...i try not to care too much...but its hard...he is really growing on me...wow....

so life is different for me right now...but in a good new way i suppose.. a good challenging way

hungry + early...blah

Thu, 18 Jun 2009 14:22:58 GMT

hmm... so much for writing in this frequently...pff...anyway its early ..actually its now 10am..which isnt that early..but yeah..and im hungry and I should go have some breakfeast...

callouses prove you

bumps on skin

indentations

bind me

to my craft

if you can call it that

its just arrangements

and rearangements

and adjustments

of letters in contexts

i should have known

it would be easy with

you

passionate and restless

and meant

fitting together

in ways

of breathlessness

as if my inconstant breaths

would bestow puffs of magic

and an array of colors into our surroundings

and atmosphere

i should have known your traces

could cause shivers

and a want I didnt even know could be so strong

i should have known because

talking to you was like breathing in the begining

like a life line in my hectic chaoctic mess

and completely sent to me

out of nowhere

it was like the grapevine for future pungent sweets to be grown

like the plot twist in my story

as if to say "Katie you think your heart's been through it now...

just wait...you haven't seen anything yet"

and I should have known that I would never wanna go home

rather puzzle over this shadow of a wall you've built

contemplating which blocks I must readjust in over to find you underneath

because I am determined

that you shall become my new sermon to passion

and smiles and laughs

and just someone there to say hey to

when everything looks bad

and im not sure if its right

but im sure that it is what is ethier way

i know you've been hurt

i feel your fractures as if in neon colors underneath your skin

like light bright visionary

and you know that mine only begin at the surface

glowing in paths florsecuent in the dark all over my body

and nethier of us asks

because we don't have to

and the thing of it is

i've realized I can't let you walk away

and

when you say

i've missed you

i believe you in the way

the all the unsaid things

dont need to be said anymore

and the thing of it is

im not sure where im going

and im sure that behind me is a beautiful reckless world of destroyed lives and love and dreams

but i like fitting into the crook of your arm and shoulder...feeling at ease underneath

and the thing of it is

im sure that cupping curves

and grippin muscles

and oceans upon oceans of heat

wont change anything

but it sure creates a beautiful landscape

for right now

and for once that is enough

hmm...who know...breakfeast baby!

if love ever made sense

Sat, 30 May 2009 05:45:06 GMT

i wouldnt pick up your phone calls anymore

9 years

its too heavy on my shoulders for soo long

and you want to

but you can't

you start to

and im the one wondering always

whats wrong with me

the only thing thats wrong with me

is that your a coward

and i love you always forever without end too much

and you can't get past your fears

and i can never turn away from you

because its you

and i just dont have that in me

im just not that strong

~~~~~~~~

Wed, 27 May 2009 07:15:41 GMT

Im wondering if your real

and im wondering how this came on so fast

no matter what it is or isnt

its magnificent

just like this

everytime im waiting for you to turn away

you say "im just the same"

and then im back to wondering if your real

i feel like each conversation is a gift

wahhh

Thu, 14 May 2009 07:17:35 GMT

my life is crazy

its amazing how things change so fast

i dont even know how to say it all on here

crazy

Sun, 03 May 2009 04:42:25 GMT

this trip has just been...crazy..amazing and super short

..............wow

more on this later

but just wow